A growing number of patients have been coming to my consultation room after the Great East Japan Earthquake saying, "Family bonds are turning sour."
"Isn't it the other way around? Aren't family ties getting closer?" other people wonder. But that's not necessarily the case.
Why? The biggest reason seems to be the way families are reacting differently to the earthquake and ensuing tsunami and the accident at the Fukushima No. 1 Nuclear Power Plant.
One woman came up to me, saying, "I cannot tolerate my 'difference in the way of thinking' with my husband." She was deeply shocked by the disaster and considered sending relief supplies and monetary donations and going to disaster-hit areas to do volunteer work.
But her husband gave her a frosty look and said, "You will be of no use at all even if you go there. If you have such energy, why don't you brush up on your cooking skills?"
"It's natural that I feel I want to do something for devastated areas. I question my husband's humanity. I want to divorce him," she angrily said.
Of course, she felt hurt when her offer of goodwill was rebuked by her husband in such a rude manner. But I am not sure what her husband said reflects his real thoughts.
Her husband may also be in pain over the disaster and really feels miserable about his helplessness to do something about it, and that may be why he responded cynically to her remarks.
I counseled her, "Nobody can keep calm right now. Please don't try to judge his human qualities by his remarks."
Then there is another case where a woman, trying to lead "a business as usual life as much as possible," is fed up with her mother who is nervous about fears of radioactive materials, and a family feud ensues.
"The family relationship is getting strained. It's a victim of the nuclear accident," the woman said with a wry smile.
Most people are thinking, "We want to do something for the victims of the disaster." But at the same time, they also believe, "We have to protect ourselves first, too."
But it is up to each individual as to how they think and act. Even family members behave differently. Under these circumstances, a difference in individual sense of values comes to the fore, prompting some people to say they are disappointed or want a divorce. I think it's a little bit sad.
It is only natural that people are reacting differently to a disaster of this magnitude.
Everyone should think, "Hmmm, people are different." I don't want you to brand people around you with words like "my husband is a cold-hearted man," or "my mother is self-centered." Don't overly criticize them or try to correct their way of thinking.
There is no need to forcibly unify people's attitudes and the way of thinking of family members. Disaster-induced divorces are not a laughing matter. (By Rika Kayama, psychiatrist)
Click here for the original Japanese story
(Mainichi Japan) May 15, 2011
香山リカのココロの万華鏡：違ってあたり前 ／東京
震災以来、診察室で「家族仲が悪くなった」と訴える人が増えている。「逆じゃないの？ 家族の絆が強まったのでは？」と思う人もいるはずだが、そうとは限らない。
なぜなのか。震災や原発事故の受け取り方が家族によって違うことが、最大の理由のようだ。ある女性は「夫との“温度差”に耐えられない」と言っていた。彼女は震災に大きなショックを受け、支援物資や義援金を送り、ボランティアにも行きたい、と考えた。ところが彼女の夫は、そんな妻を冷ややかな目で見ながら、こう言ったというのだ。「キミが行っても何の役にも立たないよ。そんな余力があるなら、少しでも料理の腕をあげてほしいものだね」。女性は「被災地のために何かしたい、と思うのは自然な感情。夫の人間性を疑う。もう離婚したい」と憤慨した調子で語った。
たしかに、そんな言われ方をしたら傷つくだろう。ただ、その夫が口にしたことが本心からの発言なのかどうかは、わからない。もしかすると夫も深く心を痛め、何もできない自分を情けなく思っているからこそ、先走ろうとする妻に対してつい皮肉を言ったのかもしれない。私は「いまは誰もが平常心ではいられないのです。その発言だけから夫の人間性を判断しようとしないで」と女性に伝えた。
逆のパターンもある。放射性物質を恐れて神経質になる母親を見て、「なるべくふつう通りの生活を」を心がける娘がうんざりし、言い争いになる。「家族関係がギクシャクしちゃって……。これも原発事故の被害ではないでしょうか」と、娘は苦笑した。
ほとんどの人は、「被災した人のために何かしたい」と思っている。また同時に、「自分の身は自分で守らなければ」とも思っている。そこでどう考え、どう行動に移すかは、あくまでひとりひとりの問題。家族のあいだでも当然、差が出てくることもあるだろう。そこで価値観の違いが浮き彫りになって、幻滅したとか離婚話が出たとかいうのは、ちょっと寂しい話のような気がする。
これだけの災害なのだから、受けとめ方がそれぞれ違うのは、あたりまえ。ここは「なるほど。人それぞれ違うものだな」くらいに考えて、「夫は冷酷人間」「母親は自分だけ助かればいいという自己チュー気質」などと決めつけ、非難したり考え方を訂正したりしようとしすぎないでほしい。もちろん、家族の態度や考え方を無理にひとつにまとめる必要もない。震災離婚なんてシャレにもならないではないか。
英訳毎日新聞 2011年5月10日 地方版
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