20/01 5 Secrets For Having a Friend With Benefits

Thursday, January 20th, 2011 | View Comments

How do you convince a woman to have a No Strings Attached, sex-without-commitment relationship with you? Excellent question. So we asked a woman to give us the answers.

By Alexandra Foster

There are several benefits to having a No Strings Attached-style friend with benefits — come to think of it, that’s probably why they call it a friend with benefits — but in a nutshell, you get to have sex with no commitment and no drama. The whole thing almost sounds too good to be true.

And that’s because it is.

The whole friends with benefits thing (or FWB as they call it on the streets) simply can’t work long-term. Eventually, one person is going to start getting emotionally involved — and yes, it’ll probably be the girl because that’s what girls do. That said, if you know what you’re doing you can carry on a FWB relationship for a little while, and even end it without losing the friend entirely. And I’m going to tell you how to do that.

No need to thank me. That’s what friends are for.

Choose Her WiselyLike I said, chances are that things between the two of you are not going to work out, so you need to be prepared to one day lose this friend entirely. That means you should probably rule out any girls with whom you’re currently very close. There is no perfect candidate; maybe she’s a friend of friends, or maybe she’s just someone you meet at a bar. Regardless, there are a few things to remember. First, make sure your FWB is as happily single as you are; if she’s desperate to be in a relationship, she is not the one for you. Second, make sure you’re extremely attracted to her. It sounds like a no-brainer, but that’s what this relationship is all about, right? So her being a sweet girl or liking the same kinds of movies as you doesn’t really matter.

Set The Ground Rules Immediately
You need to communicate from the beginning to make sure that you’re both on the same page. If there’s discussion before you launch into things — in other words, before the second time that you sleep together — then she can’t get mad when things don’t turn into something more. (Well, she can get mad, but at least you’ll know you aren’t at fault … this time.) I’m not suggesting you blurt out, “I just want to sleep with you. I don’t want to take you out to dinner” as you’re removing her underwear. Instead, make a comment when you’re not in the middle of making out that lets her know where you stand. Something like: “Listen, you’re awesome, and I’m clearly super attracted to you. But I’m not looking for anything serious. I wanted to let you know before anything happens.” If she’s on the same page, set the ground rules. I’m not going to tell you what those ground rules should be because you may be fine with bringing your FWB to parties or talking sporadically during the week, while other dudes would never do those things. Just figure out what you’re both comfortable with and set those rules before things heat up.

Now, Actually Play By Those Rules
There’s a point to setting ground rules. And, unlike the rule that determined how long my uniform skirt had to be when I went to private school, they shouldn’t be broken. If you agree to not go on dates together and to not get jealous when the other person goes on dates, that’s great … as long as you don’t all of a sudden ask her out to dinner on a Friday night or get mad if you see her out with another guy. And if you decide that this is a no-strings-attached relationship, don’t lead her on. “Disclosing your situation and what you want is really the key,” says Irina Firstein, who’s been a relationship therapist in New York City for more than 20 years. “Guys have to understand that words are important to women. Sometimes guys say something in the heat of the moment, and women then cling to that.”

Remember That She Thinks Differently
You know what sounds easy to me? Finding a hot guy who would be a great FWB, setting the rules, and following them. In fact, just typing that makes me want to go out right now and find a FWB. But deep down I know it wouldn’t be that easy for me. “Women often agree to the friends with benefits thing hoping that it’ll turn into something else,” Firstein says. “What they don’t understand is that, most of the time, it’s not going to turn into anything.” I’m a pretty hot, fairly intelligent, fun-to-be-around girl with a good sense of humor. [It’s true.—Ed.] Especially when compared to many of the weirdo women I’ve met thus far in my life, I’d say I’m a catch. I say all this not to brag, but to illustrate how insane I could end up being in a FWB situation: I would think that, if I’m such a catch, why wouldn’t my FWB want to take things to the next level? And that’s what a lot of girls will think. So, even though she may be acting like she’s capable of being all Natalie Portman in No Strings Attached, she may secretly be all Ashton Kutcher about it. Er, sorry if that created an unsettling visual.

Know When And How To End It
Like I said, your FWB experience will eventually come to a close. “Ending things with her is the right thing to do if you think she’s developing feelings or is getting hurt,” Firstein says. If you don’t do it, you’re just dooming yourself to a nuclear explosion of rage from her or a long, drawn-out drama. “How you decide to end things should depend on her needs. Some women need closure and will need an explanation as to why you want things to end, while other women are more capable of reading between the lines.” If you decide that she needs that kind of closure, explain to her that it’s been fun, but that you’re concerned that it’s not really headed in the direction you’d originally discussed. With luck, your honesty will be rewarded and you can still keep the friend — even though you’ve gotten rid of the benefits.