18/03 Giving Back

March 18, 2011
By ARIEL KAMINER

My mother died at 92, several weeks ago. Saturday’s mail included a gift intended for her from an old friend whom she worked for 25 years ago. I had not notified the friend of my mother’s death because I didn’t have his contact information until the gift arrived bearing his return address. I have since written a short letter telling him about my mother’s death. Here’s the question: should I also send the gift back to him? DAVID BOMSE, SANTA FE, N.M.

Had the mail brought a check from that former employer for work your mother once did, it could have gone right to her estate, and perhaps from there on to you. But a gift is something different: a gesture from one person to another.

Perhaps your mother would have wanted you to have it. Perhaps the man who sent it would have wanted you to have it. All we know for sure, however, is that it was sent to your mother. Until it reaches her (which, sadly, it won’t), it should be regarded as the property of the sender, not the person who opens your mother’s packages — even if that person is her heir. Which means that regardless of whether you value the object itself or the gesture behind it, you should send it back. Sorting through the aftermath of a relative’s death is logistically complicated and emotionally exhausting. If the process left you without enough bandwidth to deal with a package you hadn’t solicited in the first place, it would be churlish for anyone — me, or the man who sent it — to lecture you on ethical perfection. But in the time it took to write this letter, you could have written “Return to Sender” and put your concerns to rest. May they rest in peace.

The enclosed bus stop near my house is occupied for hours at a time by smokers from a senior center. One smoker stands out: a woman tethered to a portable oxygen tank! The tank is labeled “MaineCare” (our state’s Medicaid equivalent). It’s outrageous that she’s creating a fire hazard, but more important, that taxpayer dollars are financing her treatment while she continues to chain-smoke. Do I have an obligation to make MaineCare aware of her behavior? NAME WITHHELD, MAINE

It can be galling to see people do something so obviously bad for them, but no, you have no obligation to rat the old folks out for smoking; nor if they were having drinks, nor for skipping their geriatric exercise classes. They are not required to adhere to your standards for health and nutrition. Your question suggests that you feel a greater stake in their health care since your tax dollars help pay for it. But those dollars do not entitle you to dictate the behavior of individual recipients. If they submit to certain constraints, they should be determined by public officials, not by random citizens. Smoking around an oxygen tank is another matter. It would be a good idea to have a word with the woman’s housing complex — and if that doesn’t work, with the fire department. Quickly. Exploding bus stops are bad for everyone, whether they pay taxes or merely reap the benefits.


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