Sunday, December 25, 2011


November 29th, 2011 - By jaustin

It’s said that the keys to a relationship are compromise and communication. But what happens after you bothcommunicate the fact that you aren’t willing to compromise on very important things? It’s important to be open-minded, to allow others to be themselves, and to let the little differences slide. But it’s also important to know when you simply won’t be able to be yourself with a man, and when a difference is actually very big. Like these:

He wants to know if it’s forever:
This is an issue that would come up early on in dating someone. If you’ve been together for only a few months, and he wants to know if you could see the two of you being together forever—maybe he even asks you “if there isanything you could see making us not work out, tell me now, because I’m looking for my life partner”—then this relationship just can’t develop naturally. He will have planted that seed of worry in your head. You will be analyzing every little thing, and you will constantly have the question on your mind “can we be together forever?” because, you feel pressure to give him an answer. Let it go. Let him go find someone who wants to deal with that pressure, or rush into things like he does.

He doesn’t like people:
Your attitude about anyone new you meet is that they are innocent until proven guilty. His attitude is that people are selfish, mean spirited, and dishonest by nature. He stands alone in the corner at parties. He looks down at people. He adores you in private, and that is hard to give up—I know—but you can’t bring this guy along on the journey of life. No one will like him. And his cynicism might rub off on you.

He’s all about the money:
I get it. Men want financial security so they can provide for a family one day, and that is respectable. But, if he just doesn’t understand why you’ve started up a non-profit organization that is just that—non profit—or why you are so dedicated to your blog that you’re making no money from then you two will never be able to connect. He doesn’t have to be into those kind of endeavors himself. But, you two have drastically different priorities in life if he can’t see the beauty in them.

He doesn’t mind extra attention:
You know when someone is hitting on you. You know. You probably have a few co-workers, or friends of the family who you know would jump in bed with you the second  you said “let’s go.” It’s not your choice whether those individuals are around you occasionally, but if your man chooses to keep women around who are obviously trying to sleep with him, you’ve got a problem. You may know that he never, ever would take them up on it, but you two have different ideas of respect if he doesn’t tell them to go away.

Different ideas of fidelity:
Following in the same vein as the previous point, you need to have almost identical ideas of what fidelity looks like. This is something you absolutely cannot compromise on. If you compromise on it, you will end up feeling like you were cheated on sooner or later.

He is racist, sexist, elitist…
Maybe it rarely affects your relationship. Maybe he is pleasant to the people he has prejudices against 110% of the time. But, it only takes a little slip up on his part—a little slur against a certain group of people—for you to feel that you two have drastically different educations, backgrounds, ethics…and you will instantly feel a million miles away from him. Not to mention, how the hell are you going to explain that to your friends should he slip up in front of them?

What a parent is meant to be:
You think a parent can be a friend, a confidante and an authority. He thinks that children are best seen and not heard. He thinks that they should figure sex out from the internet, and so long as they don’t die in a car accident, he doesn’t want to know about their underage drinking. First of all, if you ever have kids together, this will be a constant problem. But, this is even a more immediate problem. If this is his opinion on parenting, than his communication problems probably stem much deeper.


  • GUEST24
    Great article! And thank u for posting this and validating my position on why u cannot compromise on certain values . People call me picky.when I say these things
  • This is a really great article and I think a few of my friends should definitely read this! As recently as June a man presented himself with the lame attitudes presented on page 2 and page 7, however his comment was about how he would never understand how I could have possibly married a white man and had a biracial child...yet he still felt as though, since we'd known each other since elementary school-- and even though we hadn't seen each other in about 10 years--we were the PERFECT match and should focus on getting ready to spend the rest of our lives together. hahaha.
    Another good article. Don't let anybody call you picky when you know there are certain things you won't compromise on. I particularly can't stand when someone keeps people around that they know are trying to get with them... Not only is it disrespectful, but to me it says that you are keeping your options open and that is not the message you should be sending your mate if you are in a serious relationship. It's one thing to be someone who attracts a lot of attention but you don't have to play into it if you're in a relationship.

    Another good point is the parenting issue because that is another compromise in itself beyond marriage... I'm finding out myself that even though my husband and I have similar values and beliefs we still have 2 different parenting styles and we have to have "time outs" all the time about how we raise our daughter. He thinks she should be doing certain things, I don't, etc... All in all great article and definitely something for people who want to eventually be in long term relationships to think about.

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