Sunday, December 25, 2011


December 21st, 2011 - By Brande Victorian
Almost anyone can find themselves in an inappropriate situation with a man who’s in a relationship, whether he pretended to be single, or his wedding band was simply ignored. But there seems to be a certain type of woman who wants to tell the man’s spouse about what he’s been doing behind her back, and to those women, I say you need to abide by a didn’t ask, don’t tell policy. If the wife didn’t ask you based on her own suspicions, then it is not your place to tell.
It’s almost comical to me when women on the side think it’s their obligation to tell on a cheating man. I’ve dealt with this situation with friends who knew a guy was involved with someone else and they still went along with being the side chick until things went sour and all of a sudden the thought was, “I need to tell his girlfriend/wife so she knows what type of man she’s dealing with.” Oh really? Where was that sense of honor when you were laid up under him at night?
I’ve also had friends who may have been dating or sleeping with a guy for a decent amount of time and they suddenly find out he’s wasn’t the single man he pretended to be. Almost instantly, the search for who his main woman is ensues and the Facebook/text message- email-phone call whirlwind begins because “I just have to let her know that he’s been with me.” Why?
Whenever I think of situations like this, Xscape’s “My Little Secret” comes to mind. Particularly the line, “I like being in the same room with you and your girlfriend, the fact that she don’t know; it really turns me on.” While most women try to act as though they want to tell on themselves in order to do the right thing, most times telling is simply about revenge and gloating. Admitting to sleeping with someone else’s man doesn’t redeem you from the dirt that you’ve done. Most times, it’s a reaction to being cut off by the man, and out of that anger the mistress decides to get back at him by telling the wife/girlfriend.
If you’ve been sleeping with someone else’s partner, you’ve already interjected yourself in the relationship enough, the last thing you need to do is insert yourself in the middle of their relationship even more. For women who didn’t know the man they were with wasn’t single, the same way you found out he was a liar, she will too. Trust me, she knows the type of man she’s dealing with. While you may be giving the woman specifics on his cheating behavior, you’re most likely not telling her anything she doesn’t know. Now whether she wants to admit that is another thing.
A lot of people have the same rule when it comes to telling a friend that you know his or her boyfriend/husband is cheating. While I think the circumstances are different because you aren’t the “other woman” and there isn’t anything for you to gain by telling, this is still a tricky situation. I’ve been in positions where I knew someone was cheating and felt like a bad friend for not telling; I’ve also been on the other side where I knew for a fact someone was cheating and when I told, the tables were flipped on me and the friend didn’t believe the story anyway–and most people won’t. If even when people know for a fact they’re being cheating on, they stay in denial and don’t leave, it’s rare that they will take a mistress or outsider’s word for it.
Personally, if a friend knew I was being cheated on and didn’t tell me, I’d have a serious problem with it, but a side chick is the last person I want telling me that the person I’m with has been unfaithful.
What’s your policy when it comes to telling on cheaters? Do you think mistresses should tell spouses? If you knew a friend was being cheated on would you tell her?
Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.


  • ME
    I do not agree with this at all! If it happened to me and a girl cheated with my bf I would want her to tell me. I want to know dammit! Period. If I found out a guy I was dating and sleeping with  had another girl or god forbid a wife I would tell her because why wouldn't I? It's her choice what she does with that information but I would feel obligated because if the tables were turned I would hope the girl had the decency to tell me. I would never cheat with a man I knew was taken but that's just me.

    As far as friends, I would tell my friends and I would hope they would tell me. If they didn't and I found out they knew why continue a friendship with a grimy BI*CH who knows your man is fu*king other people and lets him come home and do the same to you? In my opinion that is foul. I mean really really foul.
    If I'm understanding u , if ur man is cheating on u , u don't want anyone to tell u, so I guess wait until after he has a child with the woman his cheating or he is HIV positive then its okay nform you?
    My thoughts exactly!!!!!!
    I'd have to respectfully disagree with you on this one if the scenario is a chick messing with a man then she finds out he's in a relationship.  I personally would tell said other chick or would want to know if the tables were turned.  There are too many diseases & AA women are the leading statistics for new cases of STD's. Furthermore, this is probably why we have the leading cases because of this none "snitching" mentality you've expressed.
  • SEMY
    Noooo...i do not agree with you Brande Victorian.some women will never find out that their bf or husband is a cheater and are grateful to be informed by the "sidepiece"
  • SHAY
    I agree with you that some women don't know, especially if this is the first time he's cheated.  But, there are a lot of women who know their men are habitual cheaters and are embarrassed when their friends find out something they've known all along.
    This article is a conversations starter amongst women. Its difficult to tell your friend that the guy she is seeing is married or involved with someone else. What happens when they stay with guy? You end up being a hater or the villian. What annoys me most is when who cheat with men and find validation for why they are with him. Then, when he's finally all yours, you're insecure. What goes around, comes around.
    This article is only telling women black and other that "hey keep the cycle of stupidity and spreading disease, and ruining black love going" of course I know you'll never stop cheating but it could be cut down a LOT if the cheaters had consequences on a regular, i.e for those who lie and have side relationships (i.e I think you my man but you got a wife or a live in etc) instead black women in particular seems to want to stay in the dark get mad at the women, instead of the man who is the one who mad promises to them or vows LOL boy oh boy what some women will do to hang on to a piece of D is amazing to me, anyone with sense should WANT to know for their emotional and health sake
  • SHAY
    I don't think the sidepiece should let the wife/girlfriend know they're sleeping with their man.  I've messed with men who I didn't find out that they were in a relationship until later and I did one of two things...I ended it immediately, or I kept it going for a second more and then I ended it.  There's nothing worse knowing that after the man leaves you, he's going home to be with his wife.  Imagine how awful the woman would feel when she finds out that he was with you before coming home to her? I wouldn't want to inflict pain on someone who has never done anything to me.  Trust me, she will find out soon enough (if she doesn't already know).
    - My sista, see, this is why they get away with it!!! Because they know that there's always going to be some woman out there who will rationalize her way out of doing the right thing and won't let another sista know what she MAY not know.

    I imagined what you wanted us to now I'd like you to imagine this. Imagine how awful she'll feel if some woman after you popped up pregnant or was spending her money because she wasn't told what her man was doing? Imagine how she would feel if it ends up being one of her friends? Imagine how she'd feel if he ran up on a bad one after you, caught some incurable disease and eventually lost her life because she didn't know enough to back up off him or double bag?

    So even though I can imagine what she feels like when she finds out that he was just with someone else before, I can imagine much worse.... I'd take that one disappointment over the weight of all the others she could face later.
    Never ever 'double bag' it increases the risk that both will slip off making that defeats the purpose
    Well, if I was with a guy and found out he wasn't single, I would not try to find the woman and tell her. It's not my business. I would cut all ties with him and leave it at that. I absolutely agree that it would seem like gloating to me if I called her up. However, I disagree with not telling my friends. I wouldn't say, "He's cheating. Leave him alone", but I would let them know that I saw him out and about with someone else.
    So i'm not sure if i'd want someone to tell me a loved one was cheating on me, however, a lot of this article focuses on the idea of whats the point of a sidepiece telling. The lines that stood out the most were in the second paragraph. What sense does it make for a girl(clearly not a woman) to tell someone's woman that she's been sleeping with her man for who knows how long. Clearly she is only telling because she wants to hurt the guy, the way he hurt her. If she was really tryna help out, she wouldn't have pursued the guy or accepted his advantages. Let's be real, so many women are okay with stealing someone else's man, and when they put in all the sex tricks and get tired of sleeping alone, they get upset and want to cause conflict.  If your the side chick and homeboy decides you're not enough to be the only(or even main one) then cut your losses and try to find a man who wasn't spoken for to begin with.

    “’I’ve also had friends who may have been dating or sleeping
    with a guy for a decent amount of time and they suddenly find out he’s wasn’t
    the single man he pretended to be. Almost instantly, the search for who his
    main woman is ensues and the Facebook/text
    message- email-phone call whirlwind begins because “I just have to let her know
    that he’s been with me.” Why?”

    What the hell do you mean WHY? You just answered your own
    dayum question! True enough, if there weren’t so many women out there who were
    willing to lay down with a married man then there wouldn’t be anyone for a man
    to cheat with! And seeing as though he’s lying to both women, why should she
    feel  obligation to keep it quiet on some
    code of silence sh!t??? HE’s the one with the obligations – AT HOME. He’s the
    one that decided to gave up the goods to her….he’s the one who made his choice
    to step outside of his marriage and if he’s LYING about being married then why shouldn’t
    she make sure that his wife is on alert that she’s keeping his leash too short?
    {giving you the side-eye}

    Dayum I swear. If you’re a chick then you’re a perfect
    example of why we never get anywhere. That no snitch policy doesn’t do jack for
    us in the hood and it definitely does anything for us as women to protect  the perpetrators. You need to step away from
    the computer and go somewhere with that nonsense!!!

  • Everybody I don't care who you are deserves to know who the hello they are sleeping behind! Now whose right it is to tell that's for those involved to figure out because outsiders sticking their noses where they don't belong sometimes says they bring a bone and the word ain't worthy to trust so you got to watch it sometime when it comes to the messenger!
  • J'NEL
    I mean that's somewhat a good way to look at it. But most of the time a woman would believe the side chick. And I feel the only people I look out for something like that is the people that's close to me and has the same values in loyalty as I do. I wouldn't tell a friend but my sister yes.
  • my roommate's
    step-sister makes $86/hr on the laptop. She has been out of a job for 7
    months but last month her paycheck was $7734 just working on the laptop
    for a few hours. Go to this web site and read
    I once was seeing a guy who was older than I and he got married during the time we was sleeping with each other it hurted my feelings because he told me that she threating to put child support on him if he didn't marry her and she also works at the court house where they got married at!!I was pissed we was so sexually involved with each other already and he decides its best for his sake!!leason learned and I don't believe sleeping with married man but in this case he married while doing his thing and I went crazzyy and I got over it
    In all my 30 some odd years, I have yet to be in a relationship that a boyfriend hasn't cheated. I've always found out. Whether it was from a friend or because they were careless. I was always grateful when a friend told me so I could end it before I looked like an even bigger fool. As for married men or men in relationships- I've never approached a man that I knew was involved and until recently didn't think I'd have to ask if he was pursuing me. So naïve! I think the woman needs to know, revenge, hurt or whatever you want to call it. Not every STD can kill you, but they can ruin your quality of life. Thanks to a cheating boyfriend from over 10 years ago, I may not be able to have children and I'll probably be on meds for the rest of my life that can eventually destroy my kidneys. I would've gladly taken temporary embarrassment over this fate.

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